Is There a Way to be a Writer and have a Family?
How I manage familial love with professional progress.
Every time I open a YouTube video, I get an ad for a MasterClass that shakes my core. It’s author Joyce Carol Oates assuring me that the biggest block to writing is other people who will interrupt my process. Every time I see it, my shoulders fall, I get a familiar stab in my chest, and whisper a “Yup,” under my breath.
I want writing to be my main source of income, but I’ve hit an interesting roadblock. I say interesting because I don’t hate the obstacle, only the fallout. My problem is my new, loving family who is gobbling up my time.
Love and Work
I live in Mexico and had the good fortune of falling in love with a fun, gorgeous woman. But I didn’t just get her, I got the whole crew; aunts, uncles, cousins, distant relatives who don’t quite fit on a branch of the family tree, and of course her parents. All of them are lovely, every last one, but I have never in my life experienced the demands of a functional family.
In Mexico, the answer to almost all of your problems is your flock. Need a job? Call your uncle. Broke? Talk to your cousin. Hoping to adopt a puppy? Your mom’s sister’s second cousin’s roommate’s dog just had a litter. This constant networking is how locals protect their livelihoods and keep the giant machine that is family clicking along, so I completely understand why they do it and why it’s important.
But all of this love and togetherness? It’s the end of writing time.
I grew up in a family that spent as little time together as possible and churned out story after story in the silence between shouting matches and crying jags. Undeniably an unhealthy environment, but it’s strange how dangerous, chaotic places can make us retreat into our right brain. I’m positive this is why so many successful artists have the dark homelife story. When your only way out is singing, painting, or telling yourself stories about hunky dudes who can shift into dragon form, you stick with it.
So, how can a person reconcile a loving family and the constant need to write? From where I sit, the two appear utterly incompatible. Yet, I know for a fact that there are authors who come from healthy, balanced home lives. How do they do it?
Here’s how I handled it
My first move was to look at what I could control, (thank you therapy). I couldn’t tell my family to leave me alone, but I could alter my schedule. I spoke with a client who pays me and my partner to tutor adults. I was teaching a minimum of once class a day for her, but my partner was barely getting any groups. I sat down with our boss and asked if she and I could make a swap; I’d give her two groups for one of hers. That way every class had a teacher and the client didn’t need to hire anyone.
Thankfully, she agreed and I now have Monday and Tuesday mornings in my home office so I can start each day with a run of writing. A godsend, believe me. Outside of Medium, I write for a teacher blog and I write ads for books, so I need time. If I get to write a page for my novel on top of all of that, I’m over the moon with happiness.
One of my familial duties is to make an appearance at my new family’s house every Friday for lunch. That sounds like nothing, but it makes my day endless.
First, I teach a two-hour class. Second, I have a mandatory meeting with the head of the tutoring company every Friday immediately after.
My third responsibility is grocery shopping at a massive, restaurant supply market where my fiancee and I buy a week’s worth of food for almost no money, (can’t give that up.) Then I go home, unpack groceries, (using some awesome food-saving techniques so nothing goes bad), then run out to my future in-law’s house for a lunch that lasts approximately four hours.
So. It’s a lot. While meetings and groceries are non-negotiables, I figured Friday lunch didn’t have to be high on the list. Keep in mind, I often spend an ENTIRE WEEKEND with my Mexican family, so it doesn’t seem pressing that I see them on a weekday. I talked to my gf and asked her how she and her parents would feel if I only appeared at some Friday lunches, not all of them. I could tell the question stung her, but we set took a deep breath and communicated like a good couple.
Healthy Boundaries
I broke down for her how much this obligation hurt my goals as a writer. I was giving up an entire workday a week to sit at a table and listen to family drama. Fun, but not productive.
Now I have the unpleasant job of holding myself to that standard. Unfortunately, gf is highly persuasive and great at getting me to stop what I’m doing and join the group. Darn her. So, I’m sorry to say I often forego my Friday time in lieu of a meal.
Setting the boundary was easy, but upholding it has proven nearly impossible. On top of a persuasive partner, the draw of a family who likes one another is a strong pull, one I often can’t fight. To me, that familial warmth feels magical and enchants me. Good food, a nap, cute kids who ask me to sing silly songs with them, you can see why I’m under its spell.
I love them, but I love writing more than anything else. I can’t give it up in the name of more family time, but I will set it aside to help this tribe grow and thrive. At least on the weekends.
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